i am supposed to have this baby

Last September I was sunning by the pool while Regina lay snoozing in her stroller. After a lot of anxiety over friends' Facebook posts (which is most of the reason I stopped using Facebook last Summer) I was reading up on men and women and the priesthood. This article, specifically. While I have a lot of strong feelings on this subject, it causes too much controversy and backlash with most of my female associates for me to feel comfortable sharing with anyone who isn't my husband. Also, this post is not about Ordain Women, but rather some reasons I am much more comfortable having this second baby, than I was with the first.

So...I was reading about the integrality of women when I felt really, undeniably, and strongly that we should have another baby. I told Todd about how I felt, but after a couple of days reflection (read: distractions), I figured we would get through this school year and think about having our kids 2.5 years apart. This way, they would not be too close together and Todd would have graduated and have a job by the time the second child came. We were careful after my first period, but a couple of months later I found out that I was pregnant. I realized that when I felt that strong prompting I had already, or just barely, conceived. When I felt so sure we should have another child I was already having another child. This gives me great comfort. I also ovulated two weeks prior and should not have been able to conceive, but I did. Knowing that it is supposed to happen makes me feel calm and sure that, not only will it will be okay, but it will be good and what is best for our family. 

I am not that mom who can write, "I love being a mother," "Motherhood is amazing," "What a gift and a privilege it is to have these children," and "I feel so lucky..." 

I can say that I love my daughter so much, and sometimes I am completely dumbfounded by her beautiful innocence. I am emotionally overcome when she sits quietly babbling to herself while flipping through books. This doesn't mean she doesn't drive me crazy. I get impatient, so frustrated, disheartened and I have found it difficult to find a balance between doing what makes me happy and doing what is best for my child. 

Todd told me that he trusts me to know what is best for our family and that my actions tell him I always know and do the right thing for us. His words come to my mind frequently and help me know that I am what my kids need and I don't need to have those feelings so many stay-at-home moms claim to have. 

Also, having a baby distracts me from getting to worry about other things (like having another baby).