it was real

so i was at the hospital and my nana handed me this baby. i took her. she was mine. she was amazing beautiful. todd and i took her home, we went to school like normal, took our finals like normal, then after 2-3 weeks i asked todd where adison (our baby girl) was. he said at the alcorns (this couple in our ward) and that julie alcorn had been caring for her. i started bawling. i had not fed her once, i had never changed her diaper, i didn't even remember i had a daughter for weeks. what kind of an awful mother was i? the worst kind. i couldn't stop crying.
i went to get the child from the alcorn's place and brought her home. i slowly started to realize perhaps why i had been so neglectful...i didn't remember being pregnant. i didn't remember giving birth. i had the suspicion that my nana had taken someone's child, perhaps in her dementia. i asked todd if he remembered me being pregnant or giving birth and he didn't. we went to the hospital with my parents who were distraught after having a granddaughter for a month. my professor, james, was at the front desk volunteering and i could see his son and daughter coloring in a room nearby while their father volunteered. we let him know what we thought had happened and then everyone around us started talking about it and after a while an entire mob of people came into the hospital led by an enraged father, the father of the baby we had been "caring" for. he was violent and so scary. so was the mob surrounding him. i don't remember who had adison, but i ran down a hallway and some stairs for fear that he would kill me for taking his child. i knew, somehow, that james was going to protect me. i couldn't see any of my family, so i took off and felt in my gut that something was going to happen to james' son. so a man in scrubs threw me some keys and i told james' son to run with me. he hid in a room with shelves and i made sure the door was locked. i ran further down the hall and hid.
i heard so much yelling and gun shots. after it quieted i came out and i just knew that james' son had been shot and killed. i couldn't find james. everyone was checking out of the hospital on a computer after the madness had ended. all the women around me waiting in line to check out were talking about what happened that day. one pointed to me and said that it was all my fault and i had the child. i started yelling for them to stop talking. they had no idea what had happened or what it felt like to feel this guilty. guilty for neglecting what i thought was my own child. guilty for creating a nightmare for the parents of the baby. guilty for getting james' son killed. the ladies quieted and i told them about james. did they even know his son had gotten shot that day? james came out of a side room and looked somber. he said he was still there. i began to cry again. i couldn't catch me breath, really. he hugged me. i cried that hardest i've ever cried. he said it was ok, and that he was ok. i told him it wasn't. i was so sorry.
i kept crying so hard and was so out of breath i woke up.
i kept crying. it's the worst i have ever felt in my entire life i think. and in my head it went on for a month.

bjorkheirloom

i'm in the nosh (i pronounce it "gnawsh"...because you can eat...and no shh for the part where you can't eat) zone and it's my new fave because i can talk on the phone when i need to and also i get to sit in a lounge chair and put my feet up on a new round marble table top. it's relaxing. i have a people-watching problem, however, but luckily i don't have a final tomorrow. wednesday and thursday i sure do.

i want to bake Christmas cookies and decorate them with all of my favorite people. i feel like emma, shelly and todd would maybe enjoy it.

the girl at the table behind me is flirt-studying with the boy across from her. she said this really intelligent thing that went like this:
"I'm not going to feed it to you on a silver platter!"
dearest girl, it's serve/give it to you on a silver platter, or fed with a silver spoon. sheesh. in your study situation, i would have said, "I'm not going to spoon-feed you this information."

...i blog more when i make fun of/don't like people...oops?

...

so couple sitting at my table on the 5th floor hbll.
boy talks about the rad party he and his buddies threw last night. it was awesome. they had hot cocoa and cupcakes. oh and mistletoe. he got his "kiss on." (he really said that).
she says that she wishes she had been there. she would kiss him now if there was mistletoe...(in my head i'm like "don't kiss right here. don't kiss right now.")
he says he'll make mistletoe...out of love...

BYU NOOBS! I'M OUT FOR AT LEAST 9 MONTHS SUCKAS!

don't you worry

todd and i put up the tree last night (well todd did while i cleaned the house). the house is messy still...but it's feeling Christmasier. todd is really sick. i feel like i'm getting there with a pounding headache, no sleep, and a sore throat. it'd be good if i threw up right before i had to present my thesis tomorrow. then everyone would feel sorry for me AND i wouldn't have to present...hopefully. anyways, my parents are coming tonight. i'm so happy to have them. i watched the VS fashion show. it was great...except katy perry's "firework" song makes me want to die. and she's stupid. i am going to hide in an LRC room for 2 hours and read my thesis to my pretend stuffed animal audience and see if that calms my nerves.

Love you guys.

Hillbob