it was real

so i was at the hospital and my nana handed me this baby. i took her. she was mine. she was amazing beautiful. todd and i took her home, we went to school like normal, took our finals like normal, then after 2-3 weeks i asked todd where adison (our baby girl) was. he said at the alcorns (this couple in our ward) and that julie alcorn had been caring for her. i started bawling. i had not fed her once, i had never changed her diaper, i didn't even remember i had a daughter for weeks. what kind of an awful mother was i? the worst kind. i couldn't stop crying.
i went to get the child from the alcorn's place and brought her home. i slowly started to realize perhaps why i had been so neglectful...i didn't remember being pregnant. i didn't remember giving birth. i had the suspicion that my nana had taken someone's child, perhaps in her dementia. i asked todd if he remembered me being pregnant or giving birth and he didn't. we went to the hospital with my parents who were distraught after having a granddaughter for a month. my professor, james, was at the front desk volunteering and i could see his son and daughter coloring in a room nearby while their father volunteered. we let him know what we thought had happened and then everyone around us started talking about it and after a while an entire mob of people came into the hospital led by an enraged father, the father of the baby we had been "caring" for. he was violent and so scary. so was the mob surrounding him. i don't remember who had adison, but i ran down a hallway and some stairs for fear that he would kill me for taking his child. i knew, somehow, that james was going to protect me. i couldn't see any of my family, so i took off and felt in my gut that something was going to happen to james' son. so a man in scrubs threw me some keys and i told james' son to run with me. he hid in a room with shelves and i made sure the door was locked. i ran further down the hall and hid.
i heard so much yelling and gun shots. after it quieted i came out and i just knew that james' son had been shot and killed. i couldn't find james. everyone was checking out of the hospital on a computer after the madness had ended. all the women around me waiting in line to check out were talking about what happened that day. one pointed to me and said that it was all my fault and i had the child. i started yelling for them to stop talking. they had no idea what had happened or what it felt like to feel this guilty. guilty for neglecting what i thought was my own child. guilty for creating a nightmare for the parents of the baby. guilty for getting james' son killed. the ladies quieted and i told them about james. did they even know his son had gotten shot that day? james came out of a side room and looked somber. he said he was still there. i began to cry again. i couldn't catch me breath, really. he hugged me. i cried that hardest i've ever cried. he said it was ok, and that he was ok. i told him it wasn't. i was so sorry.
i kept crying so hard and was so out of breath i woke up.
i kept crying. it's the worst i have ever felt in my entire life i think. and in my head it went on for a month.