Anti-Choice

As with most milestones and exciting new things in life, I am freaking out. It's a silent freak out, and one I struggle with nearly every second of every day. I think it is a lot of real things, but a lot of unreal things as well. I don't like change. I LOATHE the unknown. I like a clean, clear-cut path. I like to be sure and I like to know exactly what lay ahead. It's a good thing life is perfectly unpredictable. I especially hate life decisions and changes that are of my own doing because the only person I can blame for those is myself. I hated choosing and moving to a university, I hated choosing a major, I hated being engaged, I hated being graduated and deciding to move. Each and every one of those decisions terrified me. Why don't I get excited to move forward? Why couldn't I be excited to marry my favorite best friend of all time, like every other girl? Why do I feel good, make choices and then feel horrible about them, second-guessing my decision and spending all my time telling myself why it is a bad choice? Why don't I let myself enjoy the precious and fleeting time when I know everything works out in the end? Why can't I trust myself, because all of my major life decisions have been excellent choices and looking back I do not doubt that they were and are the absolute best for me (Art History and Todd Carman being, undeniably, the best).
Anyway, I try to distract myself from my fear by playing Bejeweled all day at work. Then I feel guilty because I know why I'm doing it. Plus, staring at a computer screen of digital jewels and progressing negative amounts mentally makes me feel like crap, so I end up hating myself even more due to mental jelly and the knowledge that I am procrastinating as part of the denial in dealing with my decision.

Instant Crush

Baby Carman

Ever since this album came out the summer Todd and I were wed, I have loved this song and imagined that it was about us and our little one. I think one day Todd and I and babe will go to a sunny sunny white beach with no people and we will listen to this song and be a happy tiny family.