dear life, how did things get this way?

when i was visiting santa maria della scala with roberto and my mom in Siena, i stood on the dirt floor in the very basement. there was a thin path made in the center of the walkway made a few cobble stone slabs wide and one of them had words carved in italian, to the effect of every step i've ever taken in my life has brought me here. people say that. i never think about it. every step, every decision i have ever made from infancy has brought me to the exact spot i stand in today. the things i do will have an effect on the places i'll go tomorrow. this summer.

other people's lives i feel are predictable. your own is never. except to other people. janna (yanka) knows my life better than i do. she knows how things will turn out long before i do. whenever i stress (it's like my mom, or dad, or church counsel) she just tells me to relax and could predict everything that's to happen.

well, the boy-now more manly man i love and i are getting married. most likely this summer.so i'm just saying you can see the natural progression of people's relationship and not be surprised when they get engaged. well...it all sort of surreal and unreal and always surprising when i think too much about it. relationships are hard and sometimes weird, but on sundays when i feel most enlightened i feel closest to him and Him. it feels really good. sharing. thoughts and things of importance to us.

i read an article written by a girl who moved to salt lake. she graduated byu proud of her single status having evaded the trap of engagement that happens so quickly and easily in provo. she talked about being married is not better or worse than dating or being single, it is simply just different. as a state. there are things very different and also similar, but as a state of being, being married is just different. so i thought how my being insecure when todd has girl friends (one's that i'm not good friends with and ones that i am) is not going to go away with marriage. though he may have less girl friends. i thought how my feeling insecure about anything isn't going to go away. i am still going to have my little freak outs, the little things that throw me off depending on my mood aren't going to just go away. i'm just going to have to work a lot harder (which i am presently) at responding more maturely and reasonably. trying to control my reactions to things. anyways, he's the one i love. he's my best friend. the only one i could even imagine wanting to spend the rest of ever with. he's an angel. it's just logical. and love.