November 10th after work, I went to Walgreen's to purchase a pregnancy test and felt embarrassed having to ask the pharmacist where they were while I held a baby in my arms. I don't know why I care so much about people judging me. I felt like people judged me for being too young when I was pregnant with Regina, but luckily people adore her so much while we're out in public I haven't thought about it since she was born. Feelings. I got home, peed on a stick and watched the blue positive symbol appear immediately. I didn't even get the two minute wait. I read the directions and it said not to pee for too long and I had so I was worried I received a false positive. So instead of knowing that I was pregnant I just stewed in uncertainty, confusion and concern until Todd came home when I took a second test. I followed the directions to a T and still the positive plus sign appeared in less than three seconds.
So. Many. Emotions. How did this happen? I thought we were careful... I can't handle two kids! Regina is still a baby! If I am pregnant and only found out because I am showing I must be very far along! If I am far along I won't have 9 months to prepare. I felt stupid. I felt strange for having no idea. I felt like it wasn't real. The test was wrong. I didn't just take it. I'm dreaming and tomorrow none of this will have happened. We weren't supposed to have another baby until Todd was done with school so we would have a steady income and I wouldn't have to work for a while. I felt guilty for getting pregnant on accident while several of my friends have been trying for over a year to have their own babies.
November 11th I called to set up insurance, researched birth centers, and called midwives. I was in shock and panicky and unsure of myself and near tears. The woman on the phone was so calming and sweet and suggested I come in just to speak to a midwife and have all of my questions answered (i.e. can I get an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy without insurance).
November 12th I went to Treasure Valley Midwives. The girl at the counter was so kind, made me some tea, and talked to Regina. I met with a midwife who was friendly and understanding and made me feel like we had been friends for ages. She answered all of my questions and told me of their practice's philosophies. I love that they are on the same campus as the hospital. After my consultation she found that I was 13 weeks along according to my last period, but I should come in for an ultrasound to find my exact due date. While all of the staff was so sweet to Reggie as she crawled around and grabbed at things, I really didn't want to have to worry about her, or hold her during my ultrasound so I left her with my neighbor and went back for my ultrasound later. The ultrasound tech told me that I was 9 weeks and 6 days along and due June 11th. I sobbed as I saw the tiny baby body inside me. I hadn't really believed I was pregnant for the past couple of days and I definitely wasn't expecting to be so far along. At Regina's first couple of ultrasounds she was a little egg-yolk-looking bundle of cells and this new baby was formed so fully I could see arms and legs and a face. It was a big slap of shock and reality. As I walked into the lobby the head midwife and girl at the front desk grabbed me tissues, rubbed my back, and asked me if I had any more questions or concerns or wanted to talk. They are so wonderful and incredibly different from my last doctor and his staff. For example, when I was IN LABOR with Regina the front desk lady made a fuss about me not having an appointment. B, I AM HAVING A BABY! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT?! I CALLED 15 MINUTES AGO AND SOMEONE SAID TO COME IN! Needless to say, these midwives and their practice feels comfortable and like they care about me.
Every time Regina is difficult, crying, or I'm tired and frustrated and don't feel like caring for her needs I wonder how in the world I am supposed to survive mentally and emotionally with two children. Todd's help is necessary and abundant when he is around, but what about when I'm at work/home alone with my babies all day? What about when I get an hour or two of Todd to myself, but then the newborn starts crying? I have to do sleepless nights and mastitis and fevers and crazy hormones all over again? So soon? Just a few months after Reggie's been sleeping through the night? We are going to be a family of four in a two bedroom apartment?
I usually hate New Year's and think resolutions are dumb because aren't we supposed to be constantly making goals and working on self-improvement? One thing I hate about New Year's is how stupid busy the gym gets in January. Anyway, I decided this New Year's Eve that I wanted to be less negative and more positive about this new baby. I want to be excited about being pregnant, rather than stressed and pessimistic. I think I need to let go of the worries surrounding sleep and discomfort and difficulty and I definitely need to let go of my concern for others' judgment.
I will love this baby like I do Regina. I will have Todd's help, God's help, and my mother's help (thank goodness this baby is coming when my mom gets out of teaching for summer). Regina will be walking and feeding herself by June. They will hopefully be best friends because of their closeness in age. I don't have to be quite as scared about being a mother (on a negative note, I am much more terrified of labor...) and I keep imagining our family playing at our pool this summer, and going to the pretty parks for walks, and Regina swinging and waddling through the splash pads while I nurse a newborn.
This is long. I'm having a baby and I'm going to fake excited until I make excited!
