Pregnancy Memories

Every time I go to read about my stage of pregnancy the book, or website keeps telling me to "jot down a pregnancy memory," and while I thought that I have been writing everything down, the truth is that I've been talking about what has been going on rather than jotting it down. Point is, you've probably already heard me say these things, but I'm writing them so I can remember them later.

I've felt relatively symptomless this pregnancy until recently, however, in the first few months of pregnancy I had a very active gag reflex and a few food aversions, such as any type of lettuce and avocados, both of which I love. My toothbrush gagged me each and every time I brushed. Nasty stories about poop, certain smells, or thoughts about gross things would make me gag uncontrollably. On one occasion, taking off a glove with my teeth sent me into dry heaves while bike-riding. I never felt nausea or morning sickness, but would most definitely puke if I didn't eat as soon as I got out of bed in the morning. I still fit into my clothes, except the buttons of blouses burst around my ample bosom and I felt like my pants were getting uncomfortable.

The second trimester was easy peasy. No more food aversions, no more gagging, bike-riding was still comfortable and easy. H&M maternity pants and yoga pants were the only bottoms I could wear. I didn't begin to noticeably show until around 23 weeks which was the same time I began to feel movement. I started feeling her kick and tumble just a few days before we left for Europe. They were tiny and gentle kicks and I could only feel them if I was sitting still and paying attention, but I noticed she was especially active when I would stand up out of bed, or right after I ate a meal. People in Europe were so kind to offer me their seats on metros and busses, to help me with my luggage, and yell at Todd that I was pregnant and I shouldn't lift a suitcase by myself and that he should help me (even though he was carrying his own bags that were heavier than mine). Once, on the way from Naples to Rome, as I hobbled down a staircase to get to another train platform several men asked if they could help me while several women yelled, "Lei è in cinta! Aiutarla! È in cinta!!!" while pointing at me. Each week the movements became stronger and stronger. I noticed she had hiccups once because for several minutes the movements were rhythmic. The last week of our trip was when I really started to feel pregnant. Walking too quickly, walking for too long, even rolling into a different position in bed, making any sudden movement began to hurt my back, or give me stabbing, tearing sensations in my abdomen.

This week marks the first of my final trimester. Terrifying. The prospect of another person coming into my life that I am fully responsible for caring for every second of every day for the rest of my life, as well as teaching them right from wrong, teaching them social skills, protecting them, being 100% invested in someone other than Todd, or myself is overwhelming. When my mother surprised me with a little bed for our baby I just imagined a screaming child and that froze me with panic, rather than gratitude, or excitement. However, lately I have been trying to focus on all of the positive things since the negative come to me so readily. This baby does not have down syndrome. I do not, though it was close, have placenta previa and so I am no longer scared of bleeding to death, or having a cesarian. I do not have gestational diabetes, the baby is measuring just right, I have had no complications, I have not gained very much weight, I am still fully capable of everything I used to be, except running, so truly I should be much more calm than I am. I have noticed that Todd singing and playing my favorite songs on his guitar is soothing for me, and imagining our little girl sitting along side him learning to play is very sweet. The last two weeks I've been able to feel AND SEE her head and body move in my lower abs. Sometimes my belly moves so much it looks like she is punch-dancing, or has a cramp in her leg she needs to get out. Sometimes she is so close and pushing against my skin that I just hold each side of my belly and I know I am holding her. This, surprisingly, gives me peace. She also moved/danced like a freak at Riley's Jazz concert, so at least she has good taste in music.

Since our return my job has given me next to no hours and I have been trying to stay busy during the day, but mostly I just get depressed when I am with nothing do to. I realize I am going to need to make detailed to-do lists for myself if I am going to stay home with a newborn pretty soon, or I will go absolutely crazy. I also realized that I am never alone. When I sleep, when I shower, when I work, when I eat - she is always in there. I also have noticed that when someone hugs me, they squish her first.

It's funny to not really recognize my body as different. Yesterday I looked at my profile in the mirror and thought, "This is me...pregnant. Pregnant? Is this real? Reality?" Todd doesn't understand life not feeling real. Everything feels unreal. Somedays I wake up and think, "Who is Todd? How did we even get to this point? Are we really married? What does that mean? Does he really know who I am?" The same thing is happening with this unseen child of ours. Todd thinks it is completely normal and natural, though he does see it as a miracle and something beautiful. I just think of it as this strange dream that is happening to someone else and I am just pretending it is happening to me. I am afraid that my disposition for unreality will make the reality of having a child every second of every day will make it that much harder, but I am not focusing on the scary/negative aspects anymore.

7 weeks/1 month

vs. 28 weeks/6 months 

(don't mind the red marks my underwear makes)